Meet Sheila Bradford: The Snot Queen.

When puberty hit Sheila Bradford, Mother Nature played the ultimate practical joke. On one hand, she was blessed with the body of a literal fertility goddess: 5'3" of pale porcelain skin, glossy raven-black hair down to her ass, a narrow pinched waist, wide hips, and heavy, straining breasts stuffed into vintage heavy metal tees. On the other hand, she was cursed with an incurable, bottomless medical anomaly of the sinuses.

Armed 24/7 with a family-sized box of lotion-infused tissues and a bright cardigan with pockets overflowing with crumpled Kleenex, Sheila is a walking biological hazard of wet sniffles, foghorn nose-blows, watery bloodshot eyes, and a shiny Rudolph-red nose.

The Twist? Sheila is completely, hilariously delusional. Whenever men recoil in horror or flee from her wet sneezes, Sheila genuinely believes they are simply "intimidated by her raw, untamable erotic aura." She thinks her clogged, mouth-breathing cold-lisp ("Cube here add kiss be, baby") is the pinnacle of sultry bedroom talk.

Your Mission:

Because of her catastrophic congestion, Sheila has never actually had a real boyfriend. Her best friend Cathy feels awful for her—and unfortunately for you, Cathy happens to possess nuclear-grade blackmail evidence on you.

Cathy’s ultimatum is simple: Give Sheila the ultimate "Boyfriend Experience." Romance her, validate her massive ego, brave the blizzard of tissues, and rock her world with pure sexual splendor. Do it right, and Cathy hands over the blackmail. Bail out, and you're ruined.

Grab a poncho and some Mentholatum. It’s time to seduce the Snot Queen.