Hey, so. If I don't ever post for a WHILE on this website, there's now a reason that isn't just procrastination. Plus, I low-key need to vent and this is the only site where nobody irl follows me. This is more or less a last resort of talking to random strangers that probably couldn't care less about my life.

My gf broke up with me. One of the only reasons I kept staying alive. One of the only reasons I kept doing what I enjoyed. I loved her more than I loved myself. More than I've loved anyone before.

The thing is that she didn't break up with me because she wasn't interested in me anymore or found someone new. I wouldn't be this upset if that was the case because at least then she'd be happy with her life and that's all I want.

She broke up with me because her stupid fucking mom didn't approve of us.

She said she loved me, but also loved her mom and didn't want her concerned about her relationship with me.

If I'm being honest. That just made me more miserable.

I've never hurt myself, at least not drastically and on purpose. But this was the first time I looked at one of the knives in the kitchen and thought about it since I have too many people in my life who would care if I went farther than that. I have a good friend group, my parents love me to death, I had a loving gf who'd still probably be sad to hear the news that I died because of her mom being a selfish prick.

Plus, I'm too scared to actually die despite having wanted to multiple times.

I never got to kiss her, never got to take her out, never got to do anything besides hold her hand and hug her and tell her how much I love her, mostly because I wasn't sure if she'd be comfortable with it despite having been dating for almost a year now.

And now I wish I just did that beforehand because now I'll never be able to.

We didn't end on our own accord. That's why this hurts. We ended because her mom, who I've already been wanting to tell her is controlling from the beginning, just didn't want us to be a thing.

It only happened recently, and I know I'm being dramatic since it's not like she's the only person in my life, it's not like she's all I have, it's not like I don't have a ton of other people to lean back on for support. But I've already lost the will to do anything I enjoy again because everything I've done that I enjoyed I did with her. Or at least wanted to do with her. And now it won't be the same now that we're friends who desperately want to be more.

And I think that she'll just move on like that. Move on because she's so strong, she's amazing, really. But I'll just be pathetically crying alone because despite having everything I've ever wanted, I won't have the person I want the most. The person I need the most. The person I loved more than everyone I know combined.

That's about all I have to say, though. If you actually took time to read this then thank you, I appreciate it. And if you didn't then I don't blame you, this is just someone with a 'good' life crying and screaming about one thing that happened when there are millions of others suffering worse than me. When there are so many others that have worse that would kill to be in my position right now. Bye, I'll see you all again when I'm over all this I guess.