this is sort of a rant so read if you wanna :D

so im kinda at that point in life where im applying to colleges again and wondering "is this ever actually gonna be worth it" because if it isnt, then why even try fr. i tell my therapist that my mood has been pretty static and it has been but on the scale from actively looking to die to jolly molly, im static in the if it happens, it happens. because a meteor could be announced to strike earth rn and i think id be fine with it. id probably get bored waiting.

at least as a non believer, i know that there is no set purpose in life so theres nobody worth disapointing if i dont make it. but now im seeing the bad side of it, being "if theres no purpose, is there really a point to all of this?" but im trying to stay strong, saying that at least nobody's testing me on this. but all i have are seventy years of my life and the first 18 are spent in constraints. life is too short to make something out of it if youre born in the wrong economy. you are in fact damned by where youre born.

unfortunately, i was born to unhappy parents in an unhappy marraige. dont worry, i didnt witness their divorce that much since i was six months old. but it still hurt. the whole reason they divorced is being my dad was an angry man. but he was so sweet. i dont understand how he can switch up. i hate his parents for making him so angry. he doesnt deserve that. and despite the fact he abused me, i dont hate him. i cant hate him. hes my dad. im biologically programmed to love him. but i dont like him. I just wish he was a better guy, mentally as least. i still have three siblings that still live with him and i cant get them out because theyre only my half siblings and i dont have any custody over them. i wish i could get it. because i dont want them growing up like i did. it sucked but god, my dad tried and thats the hard part to know.

its my mom thats the problem really. i dont hate her. but i dont like her. ever since i came back from this recent hospitilization, shes cut me off. she wont even look at me. it took her two weeks to say a word to me, and even then, it was something like "excuse me". i mean, i get it. im saying i tried to end the life game but you dont believe me and im blaming you. but arent you to blame? You saw the signs and you just dont want to believe them? You couldve gotten me out sooner if you had just used your fucking head. maybe then i wouldnt be this fucked up. but at least you got me out, right? Better later than never? No. It was either sooner or never, mom.

My dad's hurt wasnt one to reckon with. it was so spontaneous that you would think he's a gun with the safety on "sometimes". then his wife was loving on me instead of him. Like damn, i get im all that fr, but you have a husband that im sure loves you more. oh wait. he encouraged it. thats right folks, my daddy knew about it and he even told her to keep doing it. his wife will never be related to me. she wants me to apologize for ratting her out to the cops? no. apologize for touching me in my no no square.

and then theres just life itself, again. Addiction sucks. no, not drugs, thankfully. Though, thoughts and wishes out to those who do have that addiction. SI, i mean. i still have the scars but if theyre barely visible, do they even count. i know i should stop hurting myself to prove my heartbeat is still strong, but i just cant. the dopamine released is so much, once, i just felt pleasure instead of pain. but i was in a manic state, so i dont think it counts. and then the feeling of being right on the edge of death? Thinking about it makes me cry. not sad tears because it did it. sad tears because i miss it. as someone with crippling social phobia, that was genuinely the first fucking time in my entire years of living that i felt content and without anxiety. i was just thinking that i could sleep now. that i could just stay in the comfort of my blankets and not wake up. that i could be safe.

and then i wake up in a hospital having no memory of what i did after i happened to pass out

mom tells me crazy shit. she says i tried to break into a house and set it on fire. says i vandalized a car. honestly, i dont believe her. not anymore. ive never been physically aggressive in my life. itd make no sense for me to do that even if i was drugged. theres no evidence for it anyway. just her words. and i think shes been losing it because of her fuckass fiance. hes the whole reason i tried anyway. he said i should. so i said "oh you think im joking" and went for it.

i dunno. i know im justified for having all these feelings, but i just cant. i dont want to deal with them. i dont want to have to take meds every morning and night like a prisoner. the doctors dont even know what i have. they saw me and stuck the label "DMDD" on me. disruptive mood dysregulatin disorder. like bro? at least give me an estimate on what personality disorder i have or something.

SORRY for the vent, but if you read this to the bottom, you deserve a cookie. if you skipped to the bottom, you deserve the cookie powder so you can make it yourself but still a cookie.

THANKS