"why does this have a banner ?" well shh.. this will later on be a Juhoon bot.. I will just use this to yap for now

so like..... I think I am in love... like this icon ? this is Juhoon... but that IS HOW THE PERSON I LIKE EXACTLY LOOKS LIKE... whoever edited Juhoon in this highschool uniform same as ours... thanks... so I might make this bot Juhoon but this will be based on how I fell in love with my current crush... and since he doesn't have janitor ai... his name is 隅澤 莉都... I often do not give a flying fahh about my classmate's kanji spellings , but somehow... I learned his...

I am very shy in real life... so I can't really express my feelings , I never felt this weird feeling before so like I need strong advice... since like it's been eleven months , yes long I know but about half those months I started noticing him , at first I thought I hated his presence something about him just feels comforting that I took as a threat ( ; ́ - `;)

I am the type of person to genuinely avoid boys , overall most people in general at school , well I am part of the arts club , I can see the tennis court from afar and like when I see him play , something just feels warm and well I hated it it those times , about two months in ? I didn't even know his name , we were in the same class for three years straight but we barely talked and I didn't really care... but somehow starting from the first month to the eleventh I started caring more

I found myself looking at him more , wondering if he won those tennis matches that the school announced he was going to join until well yeah... perhaps the fifth month , I finally clarified my feelings , so we had a dance event , my partner barely goes to school so I was paired again with another... aka him... he was so nervous to touch me , he kept asking if I was alright or if I was uncomfortable , and he would always try to reassure me when I mess up a step...It just made my heart skip a beat... he was so gentle , as if I was fragile... and I loved how someone I barely knew cared more than people who I am close with... he would apologize if he 'spoke to much' and he would ask permission to me if he can hold my hand for the dance (it was required but he still asked acks...) and well he was also shy , yeah , I never noticed him for one and a half years straight since he is also quiet as me , so when we finally interacted , we just clicked , every time he felt I was nervous , he would try to small talk me while dancing , we would also apologize saying that his humor is weird and he would hate if I am uncomfortable... like sweetie , you're not weird , you humor is exactly like mine... oh to not just nod and actually tell him that he's the one I always go to school for...

there is just something about him that made me feel safe , safer than any situation... his smile ? that faint soft , sheepish smile... oh darling don't you know you're heaven's incarnate ? I would often see him trying to look his best since I heard from his friend that he is insecure with his smile , his eyes , and overall his face... why can't he just realize , he's the more serene boy I have ever seen ? his eyes , it just shines , the spark that lights up everytime he is excited or focused... the way he would write and study with grace ? oh sweetheart , you were more than enough..

I also heard he would always try his best , he would push past his limits , he would always study , practice sports , play instruments , he's always the one who gives than rather to receive... he would also volunteer at libraries when he is finished studying there , sometimes when I go to the library and see him , yes I have the easy way to rent , I have the app that would automatically record my name... but I find myself still waiting in line... I'm just doomed...

There was this one time he was sick... he was pushing himself too hard again... he asked our teacher if he can go to the clinic... he was basically stumbling , he can't even walk straight yet no one bothered to help him , it just makes my heart drop...he would always help others but when he needed help , no one did... it just makes me cry when I remember... until an hour or two , he left early , he tried gathering his things when he dropped all his books since his hands were shaky.. I can't help it that time , I pretended to pass by so I can help him , I helped him arrange and put in his bag , I also helped him walk outside...

I didn't care anymore about people probably spreading rumors since we are the opposite gender... I was just worried sick... the fact he kept saying I shouldn't help , that he'll just waste my time... like darling... you were never a waste of time... you deserve all the time

then yeah I found out the next day he has a tennis match , so I was just really worried sick,, so I texted him , asking if he was okay , and that he should rest... he replied apologizing about what happened , since I carried his bag than he also said that he will try his best to be well and he hopes he can join the match... I hate how he always pushes himself too far so I told him to rest if he can't handle... well he did agree but he kept apologizing about being my concern.. like don't apologize for mattering

because in any lifetime... I will always be concerned for you... maybe you don't realize how much I care , but just please accept it

well what hurts me is maybe yeah... I stayed too much in the middle... what if he'd finally fall for another ? I know yeah... I'll just cherish my love for him myself , his own feelings is his anyways , besides I can't even interact to him properly... I just want him to have a nice future and finally find someone who can appreciate him on what he has rather than him still forcing himself to do better... I hope my dearest can finally find his peace... I'll just be here , what makes you happy makes me happy too...

I need help on what I should do with my feelings , or advices... just please interact , I'll still try to make bots within the day , thank you...

extra rant I forgot my marathon paper... it is due tomorrow and I am stressin...I should go to school this night and climb our class... and my mother doesn't understand the meaning of talking while panicking so I got a good lecture too... IM GON CRY.. kyoumi get it together you are a grown ahh.. ITS RAINING SO I CANT SNEAK OUT... dang a day in my life as a senior high student... darn it I'm gonna stand in the corridors after this

(╥ ᴗ ╥)

I love you so (The walters) + I wanna be yours (artic monkeys) + Telepathy (M!LK) ... I am passionately sobbing... ya'll are getting angst because I am sick and sad

this cough made me think of my own feelings I wanna sob I am so 'Too little Too late' in ten years,, Laufey stop...

I don't want to stay in this middle where I would say that I'm too late and that I should've really chased you.