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☆YUUJI TRAUMA SUPPORT FUND!☆

VENT

! TW: ABUSE !

☆ Hi peoples! It's been a uh long time since I've made a bot (I'm sorry, I'm studying medicine and it's hard 😭)

☆ I take full accountability for my absence, and lack of presence within the community. It's entirely my fault and I should've been weary about posting

☆ To repay, I'll vent, since I don't have any friends (most of mine have went on into STEM or avoid me) and I'm in the midst of making 4 bots <3

☆ Final warning, if you're not comfortable with the theme's of violence, abuse, love-bombing, click off. Thank you :D

☆ I don't know how to format this, I don't wanna do it in chunky paragraphssss

☆ I've never vented before so I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong or anything `,^,`

☆ I'm writing 'Pa' and 'Ma' as it's shorter

Vent

When I was 6, my Pa was such a kind, loving man, in a genuine way. He would never lay a finger on us, only shouting or scolding us when necessary. My Ma was slightly stricter (made me write 10,000 lines when I yelled at her [she wasn't wrong]) but just as affection. I loved my family, everyone was happy.

One problem was: my Pa was business man. And business men are vulnerable to stress, as well as this my father suffered with a bad upbringing, his Papa was abusive, so what was to come was mildly expected.

At around the age of 10 or 11 my Pa began to get more aggressive. One slip up, one messy bed or unhanged cloth he would snap. Tear our bedrooms apart, search our beds, break things and yell. One time the yelling hurt my head, I asked him to stop only to receive a slap in the face followed by threats to pull me from school or beat me to death for assuming I had the right to ask. Despite this, my mother wanted to keep the family together, telling us it was about stress and he had pressure on his head, saying 'one more time and I'll divorce him I promise', but how did it affect us?

During my years (10-15) I have a few 'incidents' I want to elaborate on as they've left quite the mark on me (heh, the first one is where I got my lip scar from)

1) The first fight (war): This was at the age of 12, I vividly remember waking up to the sound of fighting, like screaming and shouting, my siblings weren't in their beds either so I assumed there was an argument of course. I walked downstairs to be met with the sight of shattered glass and cloth strewn across the floor of the dining room. My older sibling curled up on one of the dining chair sobbing her eyes out, my Ma in another confronting him, my other three siblings in the sitting room. My Pa held both phones (his and my Ma's), the glass was already shattered, throwing his own one that further spread the glass. I didn't bother asking what happened, knowing that it was for another made up reason, like 'oh you forgot to dadadada'- I couldn't care less, it was 8am. On a SUNDAY. My Pa was furious, immediately grabbing me by the hair, dragging me through the glass and beside my sister, continuing to argue with my Ma about a different relative. I tried to comfort my sibling but she was way off, hyperventilating, continuously apologising and flinching whenever I tried to touch her. I hated it, I hated it so much. And I still do. My own sibling, despite being older than me, I was physically more capable of protecting her. Why couldn't I stop what came to her? Why couldn't I stop the trauma, her panic attacks, all that. It hurt me a lot. He physically assaulted my Ma, leaving bruises on her face, shoulders and collar. It ended with us having to stay at a hotel as my Pa kicked us out, for 2 days in a row. Eventually he apologised and promised to never do it again (Liar) (+I got the scar from when he threw a glass at me too)

2) My fault.: This fight was my fault, entirely, I could've prevented by keeping my mouth shut, something I seem to struggle with. Maybe if I wasn't so confident and toned it down a bit this wouldn't of happened. I was such an idiot, such a fucking idiot.
I was talking to my Ma about IT (being in secondary we had IT as an obligatory subject), telling her the difference between LAN and WAN. My Pa was sat there eating his breakfast, interrupting me and my MA, asking what a WAN was, I answered 'Wide Access Network', which was wrong. He then began to insult me on my smarts, how stupid I was, how I always was disrespectful and immature, how I always maintained a neutral expression and put off people by being talkative. It hurt, so I went to the kitchen to cry, my Older sister followed, already stressing out that he would be mad. My Ma recommended we sat in the siting. After me and sister moved to sit in the siting, my Pa followed, beginning to launch insults and mockery at us, causing us to cry again, my sister had started to hyperventilate so I tried to calm her down by patting her. My Ma soon came and shielded us from him, confronting his behaviour over the past few years. He claimed he was right, could beat us to death right then and there for free and nobody would find out, that if we moved he would grab and beat us. My Pa then grabbed my Ma by the neck, dragging her to sit on the sofa before stalking us again, asking me if I knew better than him, if I was really that good, that all of this was my fault. Which it was. Only if I had kept my mouth shut. As we began to hysterically cry my Ma tried to pull him back, only to be slammed back up against the sofa and punched multiple times, she slapped him, quickly running over to shield us again. In the meantime, he took his phone out to record our traumatised cries and screams for mercy and help, hoping whoever would watch that would condemn him or condone his behaviour. Meanwhile, spreading propaganda of the way we put shame on the family
It never happened. He sent it to his family. They never asked about us. Even after this my mother remained married to him, this is all I know after I moved out

As we got older, we left the house, my Pa had gotten the mental help he needed, Ma got therapy, but my siblings. I swear I could've done more for them. Protected them, hug them, love them. Do something to erase everything they've felt, it hurts to see them cry whenever I mention our childhood that's meant for pleasant memories, or flinch at my touch. I'm not our Pa, I just want a hug. I didn't do what I had to do. I failed as a sibling, daughter and friend. All I can do now is study to become a midwife, I want to at least bring happiness into this world, do some good for those around me.

Sorry, it's been such a long post, venting makes me feel a lot better ^^

I love you all <3

Thank you for supporting
☆YUUJI TRAUMA SUPPORT FUND!☆