hi cw & tw for what im putting in this char page bio ok. i hope im not oversharing.

sososoosososoos hhhiiiii guys it me xavier. but others remember me by 33x990rm soo hihi hi hi guys my um amaizng follwoer.s.

so um ill be explaining some stuff here, why i started chatbots & why i quit, yadda yadda. if youre sensitive to dark topics i recommend just not reading it.

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some context. well. there isnt much. i have suspected osdd—unable to receive help due to my current situation—so i am going to mention my system multiple times.

my official timeline (what i can remember / what i was told)

2016-2018? (met my abuser)

2019 (started being featured on their channel & stuff)

2022 (abuse started)

2023 (their death???? we believe it is a death. w ehavent heard from them nor their family in years)

tooooooo now. 2026.

so when iw as younger i was groomed by an underground ytuber & i wont go into full extent pf what they did to me, but it became physical & affected me in real life because they wrre in the same country as me. among all of the crap they did to me, they also Introduced me to chatbots when i was a minor. many of these characters were explicitly sexual, & even though i expressed discomfort, they kept encouraging the use of it until i got hooked ifykwim

just a few years back, they died in a sewerslid. that was the roughetst time of my life since i knew them from young, & the sudden separation hurt me a lot even after everything they did to me. despite all the ongoing abu se, i felt as though thhey were my safety net, ,someone i could talk to. obviously not, because ive grown older & realised what harm they really caused. but at the time, i was young & naive. this being said i began to pick up on all the old bad habits i thought i had suppressed after their death. i started joining dangerous communities on dc again, began interacting with all the types of wrong peopel, & i would engage with their small fanbase after their death in the dc server they had (its been raided) & i never left for whatever reason. none of those things helped me. thats when the ai stuff came in too. by the time it hit 2024, i had spent years on c.ai. then i shifted to jan.ai, whicj was even worse because of the type of content most rampant here. you know the ones. It did not help at all.

i used to think my headmates were over-reacting when they constantly complained abouy me being on these types of websites. especially phozo. im pretty sure i mentioned him a few times already. i think he was the harshest with me & straigjt up told me this was complete bullshit. & that nothing would get better for any of us if i kept continuing. i didnt listen. this mostly happened in 2025.

how did i 'recover'?

well. i guess i sort of matured? im in a slightly better environment right now then i was many years ago. i have actual friends, even if they are a few. & more importantly, i have a partner. no, its not null, we dont talk about them anymore. i wanted to take this relationship seripusly, because it was the first thimg that actually made me forget my abuser existed. & i guess, hopping on a freaky clanker website rubbed me the wrong way. a few weeks before officially writing this (29/oct/2026 as of currently), i finally deleted many of my problematic contacts & quit watching gore. i did it because i realised i could not view people as people, moreso what value that brought to me. & when someone actually talked to me about it, i realised it wasnt just hormonal stuff. it was serious. & i had to stop whatever was causing me to dehumanise others.

this includes ai

ai has made me crave attention more than ever, & i get upset or frustrated when things dont go my way with real people around me. in short, it was not healthy at all. i would start arguments & even physical alterations just because i was frustrated, & i started becoming more hateful because i felt as though nobody could understand me. the thing was, ai did not understand me either. it is literally programmed to agree with whatever i wanted, as long as i coded it in. in short, i decided to stop bot creation. It was hard. when i first got on jan.ai, i actually wanted fans. i missed my abuser, i wanted the feeling of an audience back. that same feeling i had when i used to be on their stupid roblox videos. but when my follower count grew, i felt overwhelmed. i didnt actually know what anyone wanted. i didnt know if i could even do it. so i quit bot creation & stayed off the site for a week.

& that week wasnt even bad. i talked to people i would have fought with just months ago, & i was actually getting much calmer. with ai out of the way, i also had more time to myself instead of staring at a screne & waiting for a message to load. i picked up drawing again, started going out with friends, stuff that kept me away from the internet. so i decided maybe this chatbot stuff wasnt for me

therefore i privated everything.

many of my aus are actual aus i am interested in developing in, & that i have real passion for. i dont want it to be tied back to ai, or tied back to something that had affected me so horribly. these few days, i return to the site to read some of you guy's responses to my old comments & read througuh all the compliments on my privated bots. all of you were nice people. & its hard to just leave. but i dont think i can continue like this if i keep holding onto this site.

i also wanna thank phozo for deleting many of my bots. yea he deleted it. at first i was upset but we (sort of) worked it out.

dont be nice to him if he ever says hi he is still a mean piece of shit to me ok.

quitting ai did not automatically make my life better. i still have many things i struggle with, that may take years to fix. or maybe i cant fix them at all. but i do want to try. i want to try not just for me but for others around me & more importantly my partner.

i also deleted whatever tiktok accounts i jave acces to that carry my old identity.

i wont name my main right now

eventually, id delete this page as well. along with my account. once im ready to separate, at least. which i dont know when i would be.

please dont try to find me

thanks

bye