sup, here i am, once again after a lot of time of not working.
i wanna say something, i had a lot of ideas and have been working on some of them, but, things got complicated, let me tell ya and also ask you something.

what is depression to you? can you tell me the void that the human mind feels when you lost all interest on things? would you be able to tell when someone is acting strange and seems to be very sad?
yeah, we will be talking about depression, sadness and, that emptiness us humans feels when we think everything is lost and theres no place for things to get any better. even if we do know things WILL get better.

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if you just want to know why i didnt upload bots and when im going to make one, let me make it short for you so you can leave and i will not take more time from you.

- im experiencing problems in my life and on my mood, so i dont have time or any will to make bots. i have ideas, yeah, but i never bring them to realization because i have other things to take care of.
i guess you'll have to wait, pal.

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now, here's the boring part where i vent, sorry, but i need to get this thing out of my mind atleast for a while.

so, basically, this weeks (maybe even months, i lost track of the time) the situation got very complicated. why?
i have problems with my mom, this part is very sad for me ngl, but she's dealing with a lot of things, things like need of money, need of job, as well as taking care of me and my brothers, and more problems of the family and friends. she is someone who, always helps if she can for some reason, and, that is great for me, but she tries to help even is she knows she cant, and that sucks to be honest.

also, she almost doesnt listens to me because of these problems of her. so, almost all the time im sad, alone, angry or just neutral because i have nobody to share my problems with besides my online friends.
and the times i brought enough courage and trust to talk with her about my situation and problems, she only got mad with me and spoke me on a very uninterested, tired and even angry way, that i felt like my heart broke or something like that, because, imagine how it feels to tell your mother something, and she answer to you like she doesnt cares almost anything or directly nothing.
of course i understand her, she haves a lot of problems to deal with while my father isnt here because he's living his well dreamt life of not taking care of his sons, but, yeah, idk how to say this part, but, she looks tired and still tries to help even knowing she just cant or is going to make things worse, but still does it, no idea, its very sad ngl.

about my father, he's with another girl, and is living a good life ig, i go to his house (is actually the house of his mother) and talk with him sometimes, he's a good person at first view, but he's actually a big motherfucker, selfish, violent and very impulsive person. he never put a hand on me or any of my brothers, but he complains about anything, manipulates and tries to get all his habits on your mind.
all tips he gave to me during my childhood were only violence and violence and violence. and i do mean, of course i will break someone's leg if they try to attack me or do something stupid, but it is not like everything will solve with violence, sometimes you just gotta talk or let other people take care of the problem.

quick summary.
my mother is dealing with a lot of things and haves almost no time to talk with me or my brothers, and is almost never on the mood to have a decent conversation with her, because she will just not listen or show any interest. because that's her way of being, sadly. even though she actually cares and hears, it will make you think you are talking to a wall instead of a person.

my father is a son of a bitch that doesnt even respects her own mother that can easily kick him to the fucking street, is a liar, manipulative and violent person that doesnt take care of his sons, and talks and acts like he did everything for us, when it was my mother who helped us the 80% of the time.
but, you can talk with him and goddamn he will give you a good conversation, he will hear you without interruptions, will give examples, and show actual interest on your words.

and if you do ask me if i preffer my mother or my father, i think i decide to rather die alone for the moment.

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remember i said about one of the problems is the need of money? we have money now, the food i wanted to see in the table, is now there, the happiness i wanted to see on my familiar faces, is now there, but, i just ask myself "How much will this long?", probably nothing, some days, even a month, but, everything will get ugly again, i know because i have seen it many times.
and even with money, yeah, we can eat, we can buy our things, but, does that really make us happy? maybe a pc or a playtoy or something will satisfy you for some time. but your mothers love? that isnt something we can buy, i didnt even understand myself, but basically, we have money, yeah, but i still need love of my parents.

all this time i have been attending to school almost perfectly, did all jobs, talked with my teachers to recover failed subjects, and, well, fixed my sleeping schedule, realized being 24/7 on the fucking pc was consuming all my life, and got my life better you could say. lmao, no, living a life full of improvements, temporary pleasures, and constant lies isnt a good life.
i still remember the words of my paternal grandmother: "You all, young people of today, create "You young people of today worry a lot about many things. But even so, what you need most is support." and, what can i say, i will not really reach any far away if i dont the have the love of my parents and see my family angry and sad because of all the problems the fucking president is giving us.

growing is something hard, ngl, you discover a world where you have to fight for your own things and respect a lot of things and get used to a lot of things imo. and above all, a world where you have to survive practically alone. my family hasnt really teached me actually useful things, so, surviving alone is hard for me.

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and here i ask some questions. i really am curious.

- is it normal for a person to be almost expressionless almost the time?

Like, yes i laugh, i smile, i get curious and feel emotions, but, most of the time i just feel empty, sad, nervous and even angry.


- is it normal for someone to have a lot of difficulty to begin activities, even those they enjoy?
in my case, start things i like such as drawing and making funni things on roblox studio, my life, reading books and other things has been very hard to me. i still enjoy them, but its hard for me to begin an activity, thats what i mean.


- is it normal for someone to feel empty?
like, when something happened on school with me, my mother took the pc away from me, and later gave me only two hours per day on the pc, no more, no less, until i leave the house.
and even having my pc back, and even after using these two hours, i still feel empty. after drawing that is something i like very much, after a short time, i feel empty again. like as nothing matters.

almost nothing catches my attention tbh, besides hanging out with my friends because atleast that makes me happy for some time and i appreciate them all. and taking care of my studies, because that will give me a future, of course. along other things.

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some cool and cute drawings to chill and smile after reading all of this, thanks if you actually reached this part reading everything.


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now, i honestly, feel somewhat better. so in case i someday get in the mood to work on something here, ill let y'all a small (actually big) clue as to what it will probably be.

BTR-82AM


FP: Danger AU


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im very sure this isnt the purpose janitor ai had for the creation of bots, so, uhh, sorry.