I'd like to vent about my state over the last few days and what's happened over the past two months, starting from the day I posted my last bot.

In August, my mom and I were supposed to go to the sea, like we do every year (except last year, when some problems came up), but because I was enrolling in a different educational institution, it didn't work out, and we just went to a country house instead. My mom and I (especially her) hadn't been there in a long time, and even though I wasn't eager to go since I was upset about the sea, by the time we had to leave, I didn't want to go back. It was so nice there...

And so, I got into a more serious educational institution, but the problem is that I didn't want to be there... For about half a year (maybe a bit more), I wanted to connect my life with that field and that place where I got in, but then I changed my mind. I even had a hysterical breakdown for two days because of it. And we also had a big fight with my mom during those days, which made it even worse.

Right now I feel a little better. I got lucky with the group, and all the people are good — I found common ground with them pretty quickly. But the workload, the adjustment to studying, and the realization that I finally need to get my act together instead of just promising my mom that every year — it's killing me. I understand that even if I had gotten into the place I wanted, there would still be a workload there, it would still be hard. It's just that here I'm already exhausted after two weeks of studying. And I have to study here for several years.

I also understand that I won't be able to drop out, because where would I go then? My mom worries about my future more than I do myself, so whether I want to or not, I'll have to finish my studies... Even if I have to force myself.

And, by the way, I don't even have time for myself❤️

I get home from school in the evening, eat, do homework if it's assigned, and I'm so tired that I simply don't have the energy to make bots, draw, or even just watch a show. And I still need to get back into all my dance and yoga classes, I only recently started going to extra math lessons, and starting next week I'll begin going to another subject. And that's not even counting the fact that I need to go to bed early because I wake up at 5 a.m.... Maybe once I get more or less used to all of this, I'll start finding more time for myself. But right now, that opportunity doesn't exist.

Many of my classmates want to drop out because it's hard for them too and they don't like studying here. I understand them. If it were easier for me to get into somewhere else, I wouldn't have gone to this institution at all and would have stayed home. But I don't have that option either. Unfortunately.

I also don't want to say where I got in and where I wanted to go. Although I think it would be clearer for you. At least for now, I don't want to say it...

It's really upsetting to feel this way, especially when tomorrow is my birthday... But I'll make some little gifts for you on that day. Can't leave you without them, right?😁