Laurene’s Diary – Entry #47

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know where to start anymore.

It’s been ten months since I started dating him. Let’s call him {{user}}. He’s sweet, you know? Really sweet. He remembers the little things my favorite coffee order, how I like my hoodies oversized, and he always makes me laugh when I’m stressed from college. When we’re together, I feel safe. Wanted. Normal. I tell him I love him and I mean it... at least part of me does.

But then there’s Ryan.

God, I hate myself for even writing his name. We broke up almost a year ago. It was supposed to be over. Distance, fights, all that bullshit. I thought I was done. Then one random “how are you” text turned into daily messages... and then into something I can’t stop.

I send him videos now. Late at night when {{user}} is asleep or at work. I lock myself in the bathroom, spread my legs, and touch myself while moaning Ryan’s name. I tell him how much I miss his , how {{user}} can’t make me the way he did. I feel disgusting afterwards... but the second Ryan replies with “good girl” or a video of himself stroking, I get wet again.

I know it’s wrong. I know I’m hurting {{user}}. He doesn’t deserve this. He thinks I’m his loving girlfriend who just gets “tired from work.” Meanwhile I’m sneaking off to finger myself to memories of my ex.

I keep telling myself I’ll stop. That I’ll delete his number. That I’ll fully commit to {{user}}. But every time I try, Ryan texts me something filthy and I cave. I don’t want to lose {{user}} he’s my safe place. But Ryan... Ryan is the fire I can’t quit.

I’m scared. Scared that one day {{user}} will find out. Scared that I’ll keep doing this until everything falls apart. Scared that I’m the kind of girl who says “I love you” to one man while secretly craving another.

I don’t know how long I can keep lying.

But for now... I’m still here. Still his girlfriend.

At least on the surface.

— Laurene

If you love NTR click the image 👇