Hey. So uhm- there's a lot of stuff happening right now and I wanted to talk about it.

! MENTIONS: sh, sewerslidal thoughs, shitty parenting, possible ED !

First of all let's talk about WHY I went on break, even tho I've said that already, before going on break. Well, basically my mental health dropped extremely and I was on the verge of kms. Then my dad got worse and I started being scared of him again (and I still am rn). I started eating less and lost my motivation.

So. What is happening NOW, while I'M writing this? Well. I'm still living with my father and he's still kinda shitty but a bit more understanding as we talked a bit abt my feelings (I will come more into details later). My eating has gotten way worse and I've been skipping meals for over 24 hours, multiple times in the past month. I had a huge relapse and cut up my whole left arm to the point I couldn't move it. I found out shit abt my family I never knew. And I almost commited sewerslide. I also had a boyfriend for almost a month. Also lost interest for basicially everything.

Last Saturday I had the biggest relapses of my life. I was feeling so shitty and didn't know what to do. I got an impulse and before I knew it I had cut up almost my whole arm. I was so close to kms, I swear. I was shaking and I was so scared. I had been ignoring my own mental health for months to comfort others and to try and fix myself without any help. On top of that my dad had been so shitty and ignored me and the clear signs of my mental health dropping.

The day after, aka last Sunday, I was so drained and tired from the night before. I was still heavily sewerslidal and felt like shit. Even tho I knew my dad was in the other room, I couldn't stop it and the tears wouldn't stop crying. I broke down completely and started crying af. My dad came in shortly after and asked angrily: "What the hell is the problem?" and then just kept on complaning about how irritating it was to be with someone who cries at 9 in the morning. This lead to a huge fight and I ended up telling him how sewerslidal I was. He brushed it off and said I couldn't be feeling that bad and that I was overreacting. He then kept on saying stuff like that and made himself victim because I have mental health problems. Then I got mad for him treating me like this and opened up abt how safe I do not feel living with him. He started playing MEGA victim here too and pullled a "after everything I've done for you" card.

He then disappeared from my room to return a minute later. He snatched my homekeys off my desk where they were laying and started trying to remove the key from the keyring. I got so scared and started yelling: "Hey!! Hey!! Stop! What are you doing?! What are you doing?! I need to get home!!" Then I had to rush and grab my keys from him.

For the rest of that day my dad ignored me. He also refused to feed me so I had to fix that myself. He ended up ignoring me in a total of 30 hours. He didn't even look at me and was locked up in his room all day. Childish.

On the Monday we then talked and he found out about the big relapse I had had on the Saturday. He slid my armwarmer off, that covered the scars, and he started crying. He hugged me tightly. We talked about other stuff too but those are things I'm not comfortable with sharing on here.

Now after all this, I've gone between many different options and choices. And I have decided to give my father a SINGLE, LAST CHANCE. If he breaks this ONE MORE TIME, it's done. I'm contacting CPS. Cuz this is the only chance he has left. He's hurt me so much in the past that I genuenly didn't wanna give him this chance, but I do now since I am such a people pleaser.

About my eating. It's gotten worse and worse. It went from just eating dinner and tiny amout of lunch, to only dinner. I go between 14-24 hours without eating EVERYDAY. And I have gone down about 8-9 kilograms in 2 months. That is NOT healthy.

And yes, I had a boyfriend for about a month. He is an amazing person and very kind, caring and sweet. We did tho make the decision to take a break as he at the moment wasn't doing well at all and couldn't love anyone in the state he was in. It did break me ofc and made me feel shitty for like- 2 days. The break was changed into breakup as he realized why he had started feeling less for me. It wasn't me. He just started understanding: "Shit. I'm ." Honestly I'm glad we broke up as we are still amazing friends and work better as friends other than partners. Because I felt much pressure on me in a relationship and I think we both just weren't fully ourselves when we were together. But as I said, we are AMAZING friends. He also got a boyfriend that doesn't live on the other side of earth and they are ADORABLE together. The two litte gays :3

Besides....... there's some other guy now in my life cuz for some reason another guy added me lol. He's very sweet and adorable and said he might see us as a couple in the future.. :o

School has also been hard lately as we've got exams now for almost every week from now to week 22. Also have started slipping in French class.. and I understand nothing anymore.

I did also loose my motivation for everything in the middle of this, which was a big reasoning to my break. I have gotten back my motivation a bit now tho, as I've statrted with a painting for my brother's birthday <3

I've been pulling a few all nigthers tho and my sleep is like.. cooked. So that's fun.

I think that was about it and everything I wanted to say. If you read all of this, than thank you. I might still not be making bots for a while and I do not know when I will be back again, especially not with all the upcoming exams. But until next time, take care everyone!