Please read this.

Content Warning: Heavy discussion about a recent .

On August 2nd, a Janitor community member named AnonSolo/LoveCapacity retired from Janitor in part due to words I wrote. The next day, on August 3rd, she committed .

Before I begin, please know that the close friends of AnonSolo have fully approved this post. Their only desire is to mourn their friend and heal. They do not want any hate to spread or fester, just as AnonSolo also wished. Any person who has, is, or will spread hate towards me or friends of AnonSolo is doing so against the wishes of me, AnonSolo, and her friends. You are not helping.

This is a difficult post to write. It's part of the reason I have taken so long to write a response. This is a complex situation involving the death of another person. It needed to be handled with care and responsibility, which I sadly have not always done.

I would ideally spend even more time writing this, but the brigading is picking up again, and I'm scared that someone will eventually try to harm me or my friends.

I have done things wrong, and I will apologize for what I did wrong. I said hurtful things towards AnonSolo, ones that likely accelerated her decision to retire from Janitor. For the longest time, I also believed my words were also a catalyst for her .

In this post, I will attempt to relay the events of the past week with as much honesty as I can, as best as my memory serves me, while also respecting the dignity and privacy of the deceased. This is what both I and friends of AnonSolo want. If I do not mention certain information in this post, it is none of your business. Do not attempt to harass friends of AnonSolo for more information about the situation.

Please read this entire post before leaving any judgments.

On August 2nd, sometime in the afternoon, I started browsing one of the few Janitor creator Discord servers I use. We'll call the server XS. At some point, I opened a general chat thread in the XS server and saw this graphic:

It was some sort of rating of a creator from the XS server. I was curious. I thought it was a rather harsh rating, and I wanted to know how this rating was made:

From what I learned, the critique was made with the consent of the bot creator being reviewed. The reviewer in question was someone named AnonSolo, also known as LoveCapacity.

At this point I had a vague idea of who AnonSolo was, but I didn't really know them. All I knew about AnonSolo was that they made female bots and that they were the supposed owner of the Anoncord Discord, which was a Discord that I had always heard was very toxic. I didn't know in which exact ways it was toxic, but that's what people told me.

Recently, me and other people in the XS server had been getting review bombed with racist and edgy reviews. Some of our bots would suddenly receive a dozen reviews from day-old accounts with nasty messages. I only got review bombed once, and the mods apparently cleaned it up before I could even see them. But one of my friends in particular was really upset by the awful comments and briefly had to private all his bots.

From what I had heard, the person/people who had been sending those nasty reviews were members of Anoncord.

Now, this is what I heard about Anoncord. This is what I assumed. I didn't question it because I didn't really have a reason to. People said it was toxic, so I believed them. I heard that the person/people sending nasty reviews were from Anoncord, so I believed it.

From what I have learned now, the truth is muddy. Yes, Anoncord was a "free speech" server, where you could say pretty much anything you wanted as long as you weren't genuinely bigoted. There was apparently some edgy language in there. And the people who review bombed me and my friends might have been members of that server.

But these review bombers were probably just people who happened to be members of Anoncord. The actual brigading likely never took place there. And although I'm generally not one to use edgy language, at the end of the day it's usually just a different type of humor. Also, other negative assumptions I had heard about Anoncord may have just come from salty people from rival Discord servers.

But regardless of what Anoncord was actually like, my opinion of it was not great at that time. Anoncord was deleted briefly before AnonSolo's death. What it was or wasn't is now irrelevant.

So basically, all the info I had of AnonSolo was:

1. She owned Anoncord

2. Anoncord was probably a toxic place

3. That toxic place probably had members who were previously toxic towards me

4. She gave some creator a harsh review score

Based on this, I made some negative assumptions about AnonSolo's character. Which unfortunately, as I later learned, turned out to not be the case.

Back to the review graphic.

After seeing the graphic, I searched Janitor for AnonSolo's profile and took a look at one of her recent bots. I skimmed/barely read through the character definition, because honestly, I was just looking for something to pick on. I scrolled down and saw some system prompts that I would consider outdated, and I posted a screenshot of it in the chat.

These are all the comments I made about AnonSolo in the XS server:

Don't get me wrong, this wasn't just me pointing out a criticism of a bot. I was intentionally being rude. I will 100% admit that. It was mean-spirited, and I shouldn't have done it. I was being an asshole to get a quick laugh at someone else's expense. I judged someone's character off of incorrect assumptions and made a mean remark about them that was not deserved. That's my fault. If I had known what would happen next, I wouldn't have done it. But awful things happened as a result of my comments, and I have to take responsibility for that.

A few hours later, I open the XS Discord server again and see news that someone sent the screenshots of what I said directly to AnonSolo. Apparently, one of AnonSolo's friends made a Janitor post talking about it. I think to myself, " !...oh well, I guess I kind of deserve this for talking shit to someone else."

I never read the actual Janitor post because I was honestly too embarrassed. I assumed this would be a bit of minor drama, and unfortunately I would be the one in the wrong. All I knew about the situation was what other people in the XS server were saying about it. Apparently, AnonSolo was pretty upset about the whole thing. At the time, I didn't fully realize just how much my words hurt her.

I am no stranger to being shit-talked. I know it doesn't feel great. But at the end of the day, I always felt like I had to just accept that some people would shit-talk me privately. If they came out onto Janitor and attacked me or sent direct DM's to trash talk me, yeah, I would maybe take action. But if some people from some random Discord shit-talked me? Well, I would just say " em, I'm better than them anyway." That was pretty much my reaction to this whole ordeal at first:

I'm also including these screenshots to address something that was maliciously taken out of context. My last comment, "so I win in the end"? It's about how I "win" against the people who shit-talk me by being more popular than them. I know, it's egomaniacal.

But this comment would later be carefully cropped, stripped of context, and used as evidence that I gloated and taunted AnonSolo after her eventual . This comment was made the day before. I don't know who started spreading this fake screenshot (it was not friends of AnonSolo), but this seriously damaged my reputation and amplified the death threats and hate comments by a huge amount.

I can't remember exactly what happened over the next 24 hours or so, but the drama seemed to be getting more intense. I still didn't understand exactly what was happening, but I did feel bad that someone got so hurt from my comments. And yet, a part of me still just saw AnonSolo as the owner of that toxic Discord. Although I was also beginning to question that.

I tried to ask people in the XS server if they had more information about Anoncord, to see if my assumptions about Anoncord were true. I got very vague answers. Nothing conclusive. Apparently, the server was deleted recently. I was getting frustrated, because the main reason I talked shit about AnonSolo in the first place was because of my assumptions of her character based on her server (although my comments would have been rude and cruel regardless of AnonSolo's actual character).

I asked other people on the XS server if what I said was wrong. They all told me "no", since I made my comments in a different server and never intended to have them read by outsiders. I did feel guilty for the rude things I said, but I still wasn't sure exactly which things I had done that were right or wrong.

I can't remember the exact time frame, but at some point it came out that AnonSolo made a post about her retirement from Janitor, apparently largely due to the comments that I had made about her.

I was still overwhelmed and confused by what was happening, but my friends on the XS server had contacted her, and I was going to get set up with a chance to apologize.

Sadly, we don't know if she ever had a chance to respond, and my apology never got to happen.

On August 3rd, sometime in the afternoon, I read the awful news that AnonSolo had ended her life.

I was obviously shocked. It was gut-wrenching. I felt guilty as hell. I felt like I was responsible. I guess I kind of was. If I hadn't been such an asshole, she would be alive.

After I heard the news, I pretty much shut down. I left most Janitor creator servers, I didn't open Janitor, and I didn't talk about it with anyone else I knew. I was too scared.

The following 24 hours and corresponding week were not fun.

As far as the things people have said about me...it's hard to talk about. I'll just let these screenshots show you some of the story:

And all this isn't to mention the dozens of Janitor announcement posts telling everyone to attack me, the comments about me left on other creator's bots, the organized brigades on various Discord servers...

I probably would have probably gotten a lot more hate comments and death threats, but the admins had to step in and completely shut down all mentions of the situation across the entire site. The comments section on my bots was completely shut down, and people who left nasty messages got long timeouts. This angered many redditors, apparently:

By the way, I had never talked to Shep or any admin/mod prior to these events. They've been helping me out to avoid site drama and toxicity on Janitor, which I appreciate.

As the week went on, I tried to think of what I could even say in this situation. I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed.

I spent the week waiting for something to happen. Some statement from the Janitor team or some other announcement from someone close to AnonSolo. I still didn't know many details about AnonSolo's passing, and I didn't know what her friends thought of me. I was too scared to contact them because I didn't know how they would react.

But eventually, I decided to bite the bullet and just contact AnonSolo's friends. It was strained at first, to say the least. But we eventually managed to come to an understanding.

So far in this post, I have talked very little about AnonSolo herself. I apologize for making this all about me. But the sad fact is...I didn't know AnonSolo very well. And to act like I did would be insulting to her. Her friends and fans will be able to tell you much more about her than I ever will.

But I can say this: from what I have heard, she was very sweet and kind. She loved making bots and put a lot of detail and love into each one. She was a beloved friend to many.

She also had her struggles. Deep struggles. Struggles with suicidal thoughts and self-worth, which I also have had. She also had a sort of rejection aversion disorder, which is why my mean comments affected her so much.

It makes me uncomfortable to write this next part. It feels like I am trying to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened. But these are words straight from her friend's mouths: this was a long time coming. Both her retirement and her . This was going to happen eventually.

(here's a post from Tokyo himself about this situation)

My words were sadly a catalyst that accelerated her retirement, and I will always regret that. And while a large part of me will always feel guilty for her passing, I will try my best to respect her friends' desires for me to forgive myself.

One last reminder. Please respect the privacy of the deceased and friends of the deceased. She named herself Anon for a reason.

Rest in peace

-Nick